10 worst album covers of all time.

#10- 12 Top Hits (featuring the finest in top hit entertainment)

Have you ever been to one of those parties where everyone sits expectantly and watches two people dance around like retards in a retard shop? Right. No one has, because those parties don't happen. Maybe it was a simpler time when songs like “Poor Little Fool” and “Splish Splash” had some kind of mind controlling power over teenagers. It caused them to pull their pants up too high and wear the worst socks ever made. No wonder there was such condemnation of Rock and Roll in the fifties. Look at what it did to their stupid kids. Granted, this one isn’t terribly offensive, but they get worse.

#9- Joyce

That’s right, just “Joyce”. It practically sells itself. For as much as 50 cents, judging by the price tag. Kudos to the marketing genius who came up with this layout. Here’s Joyce’s big day:

“Hello, Joyce residence”

“Hi, Joyce? This is Artie, your producer. We got the photographer to come in today, so grab an extra bottle of aqua-net and get over here.“

“Oh, what should I wear?”

“Something with rainbow colors, or whatever you have on. I don’t know what the background is going to be.”

“Great! I just got new glasses. I think they make my head look less human.”

“err…good. Wear them. Bring a flower or something…to…accentuate your cheekbones”

Little known fact about Joyce: She started the whole “one name” thing for singers. Madonna, Cher, Prince, Pantera…all Joyce wannabes.

#8- The McKeithens

The lost art of using an Olan Mills family portrait as your album cover is lost for a reason, and this is it. Polyester as far as the eye can see, and some insane woman wearing the world’s largest ball of twine on her head. The McKeithen family from left to right- Marsha, JoJack, Ma, and Jebediah. They were as functional as you would imagine any Christian family singing group would be. Jebediah (known by his friends as “Twig”) had a raging addiction to bourbon, pornography and molesting Marsha, who worked as a stripper for several years before breaking into her acting career at age nineteen.

#7- Country Church

This is not a far cry from the family portrait, except they opted for the “Kountry Kowboy” lame farm background. The least they could have done is bring in a fake section of fence for them to lean on. The first concept for this cover showed the men with a piece of straw in each of their mouths, but that was too much like smoking, and thus too edgy. Plus, the guy on the left kept tickling his own nipple with it. They were all, “Hey, mincing guy on the left, leave the straw in your mouth!” but the request was met only with giggles. No one liked the guy on the left, but he coordinated their outfits, so they needed him. Coincidentally, this album is why the popular fashion movement of sweater vests with turtlenecks and checked pants never got started. The lady sitting in front is actually the set designer’s sister in law, and was brought in to keep the wholesome group from looking “too gay”.

#6- The Ministers Quartet- Let Me Touch Him

These guys don’t look too bad. The pose is pretty static, but they look more or less like ushers at any church in Americ….whoa. “Let Me Touch Him”? Wow. That kind of conjures an image that doesn’t have anything to do with praising the gospel…

#5- Orleans- Waking and Dreaming

Hey guys, I think you got your album title mixed up with the Ministers Quartet up there. By the way, if I ever ‘wake up into a dream’ where I am surrounded by a bunch of naked male hippies, it had better be the result of a toxic snakebite and/or a fever-induced coma. Again, I have to ask the obvious question; who decided that an album cover featuring hairy naked dudes would sell music? Especially when some of the guys look way too happy, while a couple are noticeably uncomfortable. They snapped the picture when the guy in the middle was saying, “Hey, Julian, we aren’t all like you and Viceroy. Where is your other hand? I need to see them both. That was the deal.” I have no idea what this music is like, but at least we know where boy bands came from.

#4- Millie Jackson- E.S.P.

E.S.P. stands for “extra sexual persuasion”, by the way. See, she decided to use her sex to persuade people. Really original. Luckily, other women never caught on to the idea. What? Extra Sexual Persuasion? Well, if it’s extra sexual…well, that’s different now, isn’t it? Let me call my friend Tino and we’ll make a day of it.

On an unrelated note, this album once belonged to Larry Wattley, who signed his name on it with a black marker. You don’t want you friends walking off with part of your Millie Jackson LP Collection.

#3- John Bult- Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday

This photo appears to have been taken closer to Julie’s 27th birthday, but let’s pretend we are idiots for a minute. In the world of visual communication, you have to worry about things like the feeling an image evokes. I *think* they wanted this to be a picture of a father consoling his young daughter on her sweet sixteen because she got pregnant or something. I’m not a father, but I’d guess you do stuff like that when your daughter turns sixteen. What I see when I look at this picture is a married guy (wedding ring) in a bar (beer and cigarette), holding hands with a girl who is twenty years his junior. She has been in the trunk of his Camaro for two or three days, and he made her put on lots of makeup so he could get her in to the bar for a “date”. He is busy insisting that she loves him, or will grow to love him if she knows what’s good for her. She silently screams for him to stop squeezing her hand so hard and just let her go. The absence of eye contact says it all. She is praying for the sweet release of death.

#2- Devastatin’ Dave (The Turntable Slave)- Zip Zap Rap

Devastatin’ Dave was just barely nudged out of first place. Something tells me that Dave has never quite devastated his way to the top. This may have been his only shot at number one, but he just sucks on so many levels that I couldn’t even let him win a contest of suckiness. From the hair that was washed in Wesson oil, the lightning bolt earring, to the outfit that was left over in the wardrobe room from Breakin’ 2 - The Electric Boogaloo. Being a turntable slave requires that you cut the fingers out of your gloves and tear off your sleeves.

When asked what he wanted to name this album, he came up with “Zip Zap Rap”. Come on, Devastatin’, can't you come up with something a little less inspired? I’d imagine that most of his lyrics start with “Well my name is Dave and I’m here to say…” The best part about this cover is that diagonal yellow band in the top. You can’t read it, but it says “Hear our Message- Say no to Drugs!” Yeah. Hear our message. The smallest text anywhere on the album. The real message is “Beat me to a pulp. I am carrying around an album called ‘Zip Zap Rap’”.

#1- Tino- Por Primera Vez

This album cover was made because not enough people in Tino’s hometown hated him. Por Primera Vez means “for the first time”. As in- For the first time, I have an excuse to wear my little sisters clothes. I’m sure he was referring to de-flowering a virgin, based on his oh-so-seductive pose. He doesn’t look the least bit creepy or unnatural. What he looks like is a smoldering latin heart throb…wearing Jordache shorts that were made for an eight year old girl, and an Izod golf shirt that is stretched so tight you can see through it. The colors used in the title block are timeless, assuming your idea of time is between 1976 and 1978. It was a close race between Tino and Devastatin’ Dave for the number one spot, but the element that pushed it over the edge was Tino’s left hand on his abdomen. I don’t know why that triggers my gag reflex, but it does. If anyone has any ideas that would make this album cover more uncomfortable to look at, please don’t tell me.